Why the sudden change of heart?

Experiences.

I've learned so much in just a few days - it amazes me. It gave me a new perspective on things - on life. I will never think in the same state of mind again. I feel like there's a slight possibility I'm bi-polar or something.

No one can alter their personality in the time span of a week, can they?

Well, I'm about to find out.

I'm going to try out this thing called 'happiness'.

Being a nicer person doesn't make you a better person - but damn it, I can't say I haven't been trying. I don't like being mean. I don't like people thinking I'm going to murder them if they do something wrong. I don't want to be scary. I want people to like me for who I am.

I always told myself I would never pretend to be someone I wasn't - but that's what I've been doing all along. I keep trying to make myself happy, but I think the only way for me to truly accomplish that is to make others happy. That's what puts a smile on my face. Making people laugh, helping them, or even making someone feel better about themselves - I truly love that. So I'm resolving to be a nicer person, and a better one as well. And I'm doing this for myself, but I'm also doing this for everyone else.

I am still sarcastic, I am still short-tempered, and I still think in the same sometimes-twisted-and-obscure way, but I am no longer faking anything. Lying never got me anywhere. The truth is all I have left.

Only seven more years of this bullshit called 'being a teenager'

This vacation - this glorious time away from school - has turned out to be a stressful time of deep contemplation. Never have I thought so much during spring break. And you know what thinking leads to: Questions.

I've been questioning nearly everything lately. Such a wide variety of exciting topics there is to ponder. Such topics include: My sanity, the sanity of others, my friends, whether I have any friends, who I am, where I fit in, who I like, if I like anyone, if I like both males and females (which is probably not the case, but hey, my options are open), if I should continue writing, love, the world, music, fears, happiness (if it even exists), depression, and finally, death.

Damn. That's a mouthful.

So my point is, I have a lot of unanswered questions. And they're all just swarming around in my mind - festering in my brain - eating away at my thoughts. I'm either going insane, already insane, or way past insane. Or maybe not. It is possible that I'm simply a normal almost-thirteen-year-old girl, right?

They weren't fucking kidding when they said the teenage years are the worst of your life.

Empathy

Have you ever felt good because someone else is happy? Or how about sad when someone else is? I feel that way frequently. I guess it would be considered empathy - a very strong sense of it, unfortunately.

For example, if someone I care about is in a bad situation that has nothing to do with me, I feel the same way that they do regardless. It doesn't even have to remotely involve me, but if I can sense that someone is extremely happy, sad, depressed, or angry, I tend to radiate the same emotion. This hyper sense of empathy is particularly terrible in a time like the one I'm dealing with currently.

I find it odd because if someone rejects me, personally, I don't care all that much. However, if someone rejects a close friend, or even someone I don't know too well, I feel absolutely terrible. Like, what the fuck? What does this mean anyway?

It'd be nice to think I am this way because I'm simply selfless. After all, I'm elated when I help someone or give someone good advice - and I will go to great lengths to do so. Shouldn't that be proof enough? But no, I do have my own share of selfish moments.

Sometimes, I even pretend like I don't care about anyone, or anything.
Sometimes, I wish I really didn't.

Insanity in its many forms

Most of my family is partially insane. Not severely, I don't think. But enough to be diagnosable and noticeable under close inspection. So I guess you could say it didn't come as much of a shock when I realized a lot of the things I do are not particularly normal. But what would be considered normal anyway? Is normal a definition in a dictionary? Or is it defined by society? Is normal something we create? Or do others create it for us? I can say I'm normal, but maybe my normal is someone elses' lunacy.