I'm finally thirteen and...

Nothing's different
I look the same
Feel the same
Act the same
Speak the same
Walk the same
Breathe the same

Being a teenager doesn't change anything.
And I thought I was in for some excitement.

Stupidity never ceases to amaze me.

Fuck-- you moron.
I'm not talking to you for a reason.

IMPORTANT!

ALEC SUCKS--

[various objects]

I'm gonna start a conspiracy.

Explain to me,
this conspiracy against me,

yeah...
Tell me how,
I lost my POWER...

Endless, like a loop.

:p

Split in two?

Sometimes, I can't even tell what's real. I don't know if I truly want or mean something - because it feels like I'm sharing my mind with someone other than myself. It feels like I wasn't supposed to think this way. I want my own thoughts.

I don't want a second opinion.

Emotional Somethings

So when I want something I can't have - I deal with it. Usually. Unless I want this something so bad that I'll go to great lengths to get it, I'll usually give it up without making a huge fuss. Oddly enough, I can't even tell if I'll be able to give this new something up so easily this time.

I wish to, though. I want to grab a big, shiny hypothetical pair of scissors and stab away at all the cumbersome emotions that only make me vulnerable. Emotions are such a confusing concept. They can make humans act stupidly, irrationally, or even dangerously. But they're also what fuels the will to live. Just imagine - if only for a moment - a world without emotions.

What would become of the human race? Would we all go insane and run around like mindless animated corpses? Perhaps that is so. Would we even be human anymore? Is that what emotions are there for - to keep us human? What an interesting thought. Who knows? I will never have the answer to that question. No matter how much experience you gain in life, you will never find a suitable answer.

It is impossible to measure human emotion, and therefore, it is impossible to measure how much I really care about this very something, and how long it will last.

Foreign Words

My theory is that one day, love won't exist.
I mean - have you fucking seen what's going on in the world?
So much hatred, and so many lies...
Maybe there will be someone who still feels a strong emotion for another human being, but there will be no name for it.
Love? What the hell is that?
That's what's gonna happen. Because everything is just going to go to hell in the end.

An empty kind of thing.

I'll feel better in the morning.
I always do.

Bad hair day (month[s]?)

I wish I hadn't got a haircut today.
Because...
because it looks fucking stupid.

Drama Queen, much?

Ugh. Why am I always so dramatic? I look back on some of things I've said, or done, or even written, and... I get kind of disgusted. Or I shake my head in pity. Like, seriously? Is the self-loathing really necessary?

It's not.

Oh! And I'm hungry right now. I think I'll go have some fruit. Grapes and strawberries. Yup, that sounds just about right.

Why the sudden change of heart?

Experiences.

I've learned so much in just a few days - it amazes me. It gave me a new perspective on things - on life. I will never think in the same state of mind again. I feel like there's a slight possibility I'm bi-polar or something.

No one can alter their personality in the time span of a week, can they?

Well, I'm about to find out.

I'm going to try out this thing called 'happiness'.

Being a nicer person doesn't make you a better person - but damn it, I can't say I haven't been trying. I don't like being mean. I don't like people thinking I'm going to murder them if they do something wrong. I don't want to be scary. I want people to like me for who I am.

I always told myself I would never pretend to be someone I wasn't - but that's what I've been doing all along. I keep trying to make myself happy, but I think the only way for me to truly accomplish that is to make others happy. That's what puts a smile on my face. Making people laugh, helping them, or even making someone feel better about themselves - I truly love that. So I'm resolving to be a nicer person, and a better one as well. And I'm doing this for myself, but I'm also doing this for everyone else.

I am still sarcastic, I am still short-tempered, and I still think in the same sometimes-twisted-and-obscure way, but I am no longer faking anything. Lying never got me anywhere. The truth is all I have left.

Only seven more years of this bullshit called 'being a teenager'

This vacation - this glorious time away from school - has turned out to be a stressful time of deep contemplation. Never have I thought so much during spring break. And you know what thinking leads to: Questions.

I've been questioning nearly everything lately. Such a wide variety of exciting topics there is to ponder. Such topics include: My sanity, the sanity of others, my friends, whether I have any friends, who I am, where I fit in, who I like, if I like anyone, if I like both males and females (which is probably not the case, but hey, my options are open), if I should continue writing, love, the world, music, fears, happiness (if it even exists), depression, and finally, death.

Damn. That's a mouthful.

So my point is, I have a lot of unanswered questions. And they're all just swarming around in my mind - festering in my brain - eating away at my thoughts. I'm either going insane, already insane, or way past insane. Or maybe not. It is possible that I'm simply a normal almost-thirteen-year-old girl, right?

They weren't fucking kidding when they said the teenage years are the worst of your life.

Empathy

Have you ever felt good because someone else is happy? Or how about sad when someone else is? I feel that way frequently. I guess it would be considered empathy - a very strong sense of it, unfortunately.

For example, if someone I care about is in a bad situation that has nothing to do with me, I feel the same way that they do regardless. It doesn't even have to remotely involve me, but if I can sense that someone is extremely happy, sad, depressed, or angry, I tend to radiate the same emotion. This hyper sense of empathy is particularly terrible in a time like the one I'm dealing with currently.

I find it odd because if someone rejects me, personally, I don't care all that much. However, if someone rejects a close friend, or even someone I don't know too well, I feel absolutely terrible. Like, what the fuck? What does this mean anyway?

It'd be nice to think I am this way because I'm simply selfless. After all, I'm elated when I help someone or give someone good advice - and I will go to great lengths to do so. Shouldn't that be proof enough? But no, I do have my own share of selfish moments.

Sometimes, I even pretend like I don't care about anyone, or anything.
Sometimes, I wish I really didn't.

Insanity in its many forms

Most of my family is partially insane. Not severely, I don't think. But enough to be diagnosable and noticeable under close inspection. So I guess you could say it didn't come as much of a shock when I realized a lot of the things I do are not particularly normal. But what would be considered normal anyway? Is normal a definition in a dictionary? Or is it defined by society? Is normal something we create? Or do others create it for us? I can say I'm normal, but maybe my normal is someone elses' lunacy.